You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
