some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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