You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Randomize
