Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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