my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
