If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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