We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
