My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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