Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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