I hope my margaritas pass through security.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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