Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
