the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
