Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
