WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
