i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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