New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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