U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Randomize
