My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
