At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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