my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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