i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
