last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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