Your face is a jimmy john
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
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