We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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