nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
