Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
