My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
