Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
