areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
He felt like a one man threesome
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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