Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
