my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
