i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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