Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
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