On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
