where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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