Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I could have mohawked her pubes.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
