I'm pants shitting drunk right now
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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