I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
