if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
