Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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