i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
