Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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