Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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