There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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