i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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