I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
