i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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