we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
