??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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