i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
