I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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