yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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