Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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