I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
The air taste purple.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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