If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
