You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I think your dad took our porno
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
