You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
