I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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