Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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