I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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